Stories of a Growing Family

the trouble with taking a family pic

2012-02-12T20:46:00.000-08:00

sometimes you get caught making a funny face

sometimes your kids get caught making a funny face and looking the other way

sometimes it looks like one kid is flipping off the camera while the other poops

sometimes you settle for less than perfect but better than nothing

still no internet at home

2012-02-10T08:17:00.001-08:00

I'm not sure what's up with our home internet, hopefully I can fix it today. No internet means no pics for you. It also means it's going to be hard for me to blog this weekend.

There's much to blog about: my health, work, my babies, you know, the stuff I normally blog about.

But today, I'm feeling a little discouraged about work so I'm going to post an email my Aunt Judy forwarded to me.

The Mayonnaise Jar

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day is not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and two cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and fills it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured it into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous “YES”.

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

“Now,” said the professor, as the laughter subsided, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - God, family,
children, health, friends, and favorite passions. Things, that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the things that matter like your job, house, and car. The sand is everything else -- the small stuff.” he said.

“If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “There is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are
important to you...” he told them.

“So... pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Worship with your family. Play with your children. Take your partner out to dinner. Spend time with good friends. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the dripping tap. Take care of the golf balls first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled and said, “I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.”

woman on a mission

2012-02-09T08:09:00.000-08:00

I was going to post pics today but our router at home has decided to have a tantrum and I have no pictures at work.

Instead, here's a lesson in how I saved us roughly $860 a year in phone/internet/tv. I made some phone calls. Shocking, right? Also shocking, companies really don't want you to leave them right now. Especially if you've been a customer for a long time. When I called our home phone company all it took was asking, "Is there anything you can do to lower my bill?" In less then five minutes they repackaged our bundle and gave us an additional $15 a month discount, lowering our bill $41 a month. A MONTH!!!!

Then, I called the satellite company, also known as, "we can save you money by offering you MORE channels for the price you're paying now". Clearly, this one took a little longer. But, I did manage to get $12 off a month. Yesterday, after talking to my brother in law, I decided to call back and threaten to leave them. It took forty minutes but I managed to get another $10 off a month, a DVR, and an upgraded channel package. When I look at the original bill price and then subtract what we're paying now it's a $31 savings per month.

Yay! Also, holy crap do we spend a lot of money on this stuff!

Later today I'll be calling the cell phone company that I have been with for nearly 15 years. Hopefully, they can offer me something. A girl can hope, right?

morning rituals

2012-02-08T09:39:00.000-08:00

Here's my first challenge myself post.

Every morning Emilio and I leave for work at the same time. He helps me get the girls in the car, kisses Lyla then Madison goodbye, and then I get a little smooch. Yesterday, Lyla didn't see me kiss Emilio and she asked why we were leaving without me getting a kiss. When I explained that I had already kissed him she said, "Ok, den, wet's go work."

Also, in the morning, when we turn to head to Emilio's mom's and Emilio heads straight to the freeway Lyla and I always say, "Bye Papi, I love you, have a good day." Although Lyla's sounds something like this, "Bye-bye Papa, wuv you, have good day." If we pass Emilio anytime before or during this process she FLIPS. Apparently, in nearly three year old land it is a crime for us to pass Emilio. This morning I was subject to an interrogation about the matter, "You sure papa pass us? You no pass papa? You sure mama? We NO pass papa."

I can't really think of a way to wrap this all up, so, I'll say....bye, I love you, have a great day!

a challenge

2012-02-08T07:26:00.000-08:00

So, I, um, have sucked at blogging.

I've decided to challenge myself to blog every day for a month.

Starting..NOW!

PLEASE!!!--updated

2012-01-31T06:51:00.000-08:00

Normally, I wouldn't beg like this but a need is a need. Have you heard of Donors Choose? It's a website that allows teachers to ask for things and the public to help teachers get them. Currently, they have a grant for LAUSD teachers that pays for half of all projects requested. Please, please consider making a tax deductible donation for either of my projects.

My students and I thank you.

THE LINK HAS BEEN UPDATED AND SHOULD WORK NOW.

Weekly Windup

2012-01-27T10:25:00.000-08:00

That title is for you, Mike.

Yeah, yeah, I suck at blogging.

In my defense my classroom flooded this week so life at work has been crazy.
Lyla has returned to napping which means she's fighting bedtime like a crazy person so there's little time between when she goes to sleep and I do.
Madison has been waking up 5-10 minutes before my alarm goes off. For the record, that means she's waking at 4:50am. When will this stop???
Madison has a cold. booo. By the way, the early waking predates the cold.
When did Lyla transform into a small child? Isn't she still a baby?
Lyla has taken to reading to us at bedtime. Last night I fell asleep and when she was done reading she woke me to tell me it was my turn to read to her.
I think Emilio and I need a ditch day. We're both sorta kinda frustrated with work right now.
I have a couple of projects listed at www.donorschooseLA.org, if you want to help me get some stuff for my classroom that would be AWESOME!!!!
I can't believe I still have to post Christmas/Hanukkah pictures to post.

Dear babies,

2012-01-20T11:05:00.001-08:00

I sure wish there was another way for you both to tell me that you're going to miss me when I'm at work other than screaming bloody murder when I drop you off in the morning. It makes leaving so hard.

~mama

cue the music, it's time for STAR WARS

2012-01-19T02:30:00.000-08:00

If you're in or near Orange County you must go to the Discovery Science Center. Seriously, it's better than Disneyland for the little ones. Everything is hands on and there's even a Lego station. Lyla was in love with the Legos. Even Madison tried to throw some softballs in the softball throwing machiney thing. Right now they have the BEST Star Wars exhibit. Real costumes. Actual models of ships. A-maz-ing. They even did a great job of connecting the science of the movie to today's science. The hardest part was not being able to take a ton of pics because we were chasing kids.

Lyla loved the translators for the visually impaired. She even learned how to start them herself.

Madison really wanted to be with mama that day.

Hey Uncle Mike, look what I'm standing in front of, just LOOK!!!

Starting a movie, her favorite was the one on C-3PO. She loved everything about him and had to be torn away from his costumes. I had no idea there was an actor in the costumes during the movies.

Lyla, programming a robot.

Papi and Lyla.

Playing with a robot you could program to have emotions.

I thought I'd taken more pictures than I actually did. Oh well. It really is worth the money, free for kids under three and teachers, meaning it was a free day for us!

Tomorrow, pictures of dinosaurs, the girls rock climbing, playing in a water and sand thing, and much, much more. All from the same place. Really, it was an awesome day for the kids.

::taking a deep breath::

2012-01-18T09:03:00.000-08:00

I have been in education for 11 years. I started teaching two months after graduating from college. I remember my first round of parent conferences a parent pleading for advice on her difficult son and all I could think was that I was 22 and had eaten chips for breakfast, clearly not making me a parenting advice guru.

Fast forward 11 years and I'm still not great, but I can hold my own.

In 11 years I have seen fads come and go in education. Honestly, I have seen tons of money being wasted. Some day I will tell you about an amazing retreat my department once took in Santa Barbara. We worked more in three days than we had in months but we were also treated fairly well. The point is there have been years of waste. These are not those years.

At a time when students come to school with more needs than I've seen in my career schools are cutting services. Most schools no longer have any counseling options for students. This includes: social workers, attendance counselors, psychologists. Some schools have cut positions that used to handle discipline. The great state of CA wants to cut all transportation funds, meaning no access to school for so many kids. Class sizes are large, and getting larger. Let's not even talk about school safety and the lack of adequate supervision ion campuses. It really is a lawsuit waiting to happen.

If we truly live in a time in which we believe all children will succeed then we have to offer services to kids who need them. There are some students who wouldn't come to school if it weren't for the attendance counselor my school has (we have a grant, which is ending next year) calling their home, making home visits, etc. There are some students who really just need someone in their lives, anyone who cares enough to check up an check in on them. Sometimes, it's just noticing that makes a difference. Trust me, I've seen it.

And now, the Governor is playing politics with the State's education budget. I don't care if his threats are empty. The fact that the man compares taking money from education to robbing a bank is criminal. I almost threw my shoe at my radio when I heard the story this morning. When is it enough? When we will stop taking from the weakest of our society to pay for the mistakes made by the strongest? When will we ask corporations, businesses, banks, lenders, who got us into this mess to step up and help out the future workforce that will be needed to sustain this economy or even :gasp: make it grow?

A coworker told me a while back that we are educating a generation of students who will be chronically underemployed. I refuse to believe that this is the fate of my students.

Over the break I assigned my students some simple homework. One assignment was to write up three current events. Many students wrote about budget cuts. One student wrote something asking why everyone says school is so important but nobody wants to pay for it.

Be you a 99%er or a 1%er you can't help but admit the truth in what my student says. Society spends on what it values. We spend time, energy, and money on what is important. Clearly, we do not value education. If we did, we would stop taking, and taking, and taking.

I'll leave you with a quote from this article from 2010 on education and prison.

"The state currently spends $48,214 per prisoner, yet it only spends $7,463 per student in the UC and CSU systems. Imagine if the governor pardoned the state's 168,000 prisoners and then enrolled them in a four-year college. There would be an immediate savings of $6.8 billion per year."

quickly...

2012-01-17T13:34:00.000-08:00

I'm still recovering. I'm slowly digging out from under a mountain of grading. I would not have survived last week without Emilio.

The girls and Emilio seem to have not gotten this dreaded bug.

In exercise news, up until I got sick I had been on the elliptical four times a week, every week, resulting in nearly seven pounds lost between Thanksgiving and New Year's. Then I got sick and couldn't eat much and lost some more but that's not the point. Hopefully I won't be fall on my face tired today and can get back on the exercise train.

I also owe you a post on the Star Wars exhibit we saw. It will make my brother weep. It will be glorious.

P.S. If you're coming to dinner this weekend, bring anything but a virus. Thanks!!

odds and ends

2012-01-13T11:46:00.000-08:00

I'm getting better. Except for the random fever and horrible sweats last night but I'm hoping that was the last of it.
My arm is on the mend. I'm 96% pain free.
My Aunt Judy and Uncle Jerry send the best emails. They both have a way of knowing exactly what I need to hear. nuff said.
Madison is becoming quite the daredevil. Seriously, you can't take your eyes off of the kid. She keeps climbing up on things and nearly killing herself in the process. Hopefully this doesn't mean she learns how to crawl out of her crib soon.
Madison has become a dancing machine. Sometimes she starts taping her foot on the floor, letting us know she was music.
Lyla has been unimaginably caring this week with me. She's fed me chicken soup, "made" me things to eat, she takes my temperature every night, kisses my elbow, and has been doing a great job of following directions.
This morning:

Lyla "mama, you go work today?"
"Yep monkey, mama has to go to work today."
"Dat ok, I havf to work too. We play later."

Today Lyla starts gymnastics, wish us luck!!!!

de pain, de pain

2012-01-11T10:43:00.000-08:00

Never a dull moment around here.

On Friday I woke up and realized that my left arm wouldn't straighten all the way. It wasn't painful so I sent an email to my Rheumatologist, Dr. L, just to let him know what was up. By Saturday there was some pain and swelling in my elbow. By Sunday I could barely move my arm.

Sunday I also woke with a sore throat sent directly by Hades himself. It honestly felt like I was eating razor blades every time I swallowed. Emilio and the girls went to his mom and dad's so I could sleep and lay around, feeling like death.

Monday was our first day back at school and I was determined to make it through the day. Until 10:30 when I just couldn't get warm or stop shaking. That, combined with the horrible arm pain was enough to send me home. Thankfully, Dr. L was able to squeeze me in so after a three hour nap, off I went to the doctor. Where I was told that the swelling was going and that my pain was more consistent with tennis elbow. After we discussed my frustrations with the stiffness, random swelling, and incredible elbow pain we talked about the need to not really treat until it's clear what's going on. I totally understand but it's still frustrating. It's hard to not be able to dress the girls or bathe them alone. Forget about the tap dance required to wash my right armpit. My symptoms and test results aren't adding up to a diagnosis, yet. I go back in three weeks for blood tests and a recheck of my elbow. The elbow is resting in a sleeve for now and I've gotten about 85% of motion back, pain free.

For now, we're still just waiting. Waiting, waiting, waiting.

Yesterday, I still felt like death so I stayed home from work and literally slept away the day. Today I'm back at work, not quite feeling like death but not exactly bubbling up with life either.

drumroll please...

2012-01-07T21:46:00.000-08:00

Yep! That's my eyeball. It is also one of two pictures from the vacation from hell that I'm in. The other?

It wasn't just the lack of sleep that made it awful. Although let me tell you that one night I drove around the resort so many times at midnight trying to get Madison to sleep that security stopped me to ask what was going on. It wasn't just the cold that was so bone chillingly cold that I was totally unprepared to face. It wasn't just Lyla's refusal to wear a jacket. It wasn't just the pukefest. It was all of it put together.

Let's talk puke for a moment, shall we?

It all started at the Grand Canyon, where my nephew started puking. That night, Madison puked once in her sleep and my brother in law got sick. Two nights later Emilio got sick. At 10:30 the same night (Thursday) Lyla started throwing up. You know in movies when they show people throwing up and you think, "No way does that much stuff come out of one person?" Yeah, Lyla threw up in the bed, all over the carpet and then tile and then up the vanity and then in the sink. We had to switch rooms. Then she threw up every 30 minutes. All night long. At one point she cried because she was freaked out from throwing up. At 4am I started throwing up.

At 9am we got in the car and drove 8 hours home.

Madison cried the last 4 hours of the trip and fell asleep around the corner from our house.

Worst.Vacation.Ever.

finding my way back...

2012-01-06T21:27:00.000-08:00

Three weeks off of work, one vacation that can only be referred to as Pukefest 2011, Christmas, a postponed Hanukkah dinner, Disneyland, Discovery Science Center, and so much more.

It's been a long few weeks. I'm finding my way back the blog and sometime soon I tell you all about the night in which Lyla said, "I scared da pukies." In case you don't speak two year old, that means, "I'm scared to throw up again."

Oh yeah, it was that AWESOME.

While you wait, enjoy this pic. Or, cry of jealously if you're my brother.

rewriting my vows

2011-12-11T20:49:00.001-08:00

I don't remember the vows I took on my wedding day. I remember the feeling of sweat rolling down the back of my legs (dude, outside in July in a wedding dress). I remember being annoyed with the Rabbi for making me put my ring on my pointer finger even though I told him I disagreed with the custom. But the vows, nope, don't remember.

I do remember the vows we took a year later, we we renewed them for our anniversary.

Look at how young we look!

I think that when you get married you have an idea of what it's going to be like and you may be right...until you have kids. So, nearly five years in, this is what my vows would be:

I promise to love you always.
I promise to take care of myself and to hardly ever get annoyed when you push me to do a better job.
I promise to learn to say I'm sorry instead of I'm sorry you feel that way.
I promise to never stop being in awe of the fact that you watched me give birth, twice, and still think I'm pretty.
I promise to laugh with you, daily.
I promise to continually be proud of the father you are.
I promise to remember that even in our worst moments, we bring out the best in one another.
I promise to tease you every day about being crazy OCD man.
I promise to do a better job of telling you how much I appreciate you.
I can't promise I'll make the bed the correct way, or remember to clean the food off of my hands while I'm cooking before opening a cabinet, or to stop nagging you about leaving work earlier, or that I'll stop requesting we turn the heater up. What I can promise it that I'm in, 100%, good times and bad and that you will always be my lobster.

the husband knows me well

2011-12-05T08:34:00.001-08:00

The challenge? Exercise four days a week.

The reward: money to buy Kindle books!

It is so on!

lessons in writing clearly

2011-12-03T09:15:00.000-08:00

Recently, I read a student's paper and it said, "lately I've been dicking up my grades."

Shocked, I called the student over and asked why she had chosen such a phrase.

Her reply?

"That's a p not a d."

Whoops!

my kindle vs. my checkbook

2011-12-02T07:42:00.001-08:00

I have an addiction. A couple of years ago...or was it a year ago? I have no clue, my brains are fuzzy on this one. I asked Emilio for a Kindle the anniversary of my life, or my birthday, if you feel like calling things by their real name. pfffft.

Being a loving husband, Emilio got me a Kindle. To be honest, I wasn't sure I was going to like reading on an ereader. I was wrong. So, so wrong. I love the thing. Love reading on it and LOVE that I can carry around dozens of books at a time.

There's just one small problem. I'm a fast reader. Like, read a book in a day, sometimes two kind of fast reader. My daddy taught me well. Sure, there are tons of free Kindle books but they aren't usually very good. Right now I'm trying to limit myself to one book a month. You can guess how well that's going. If I were single this wouldn't be a problem. But, I'm married. I'm married to a man who plans for our future and I'm sure if I were to tell him we could retire by selling off my ebook collection he'd laugh at me. A fitting response.

I know, I know. Most libraries are in the habit of lending for free. Methinks that at some point on Saturday Lyla and I will head off to the library, to get her a library card and to help me figure out what is up with their (seeming) lack of ebooks.

In the meantime, feel free to shower me with Kindle Giftcards!!!!!

(I'm totally kidding...kinda...)

a tale

2011-12-01T08:16:00.001-08:00

Once upon a time there was a husband selected to attend a very important meeting, accessible by a six hour drive or a one hour flight. The husband opted to take a flight and the wife, being ever so supportive didn't mind at all that the meeting required the husband to be away for an evening. The meeting was oh-so important, after all.

The husband decided to have his mom drop him off at the airport so he could see his adorable babes before leaving. The husband came up with the idea of having the wife pick him up at the airport and bringing the babes along, so he could see them, even though they were sure to be asleep, as he landed after their bed time.

The night the husband was set to land, the wife dutifully checked the flight status on ye-ole' internet. Early. The flight would land 20 minutes early. Hurray! The wife bathed the babes, and lovingly packed them into the car, both were asleep before the wife reached the freeway.

As the wife drove towards the airport she realized that it was windy. Very windy. Windy enough to blow her heavy Volvo around on the freeway and to cause huge trees to be bent halfway over. "Hmmm," thought the wife, "this will make for a bumpy landing, I'm glad I'm not on the plane." Quickly followed by, "Please let the pilot be a super experienced one."

The wife, being most afraid of Los Angeles traffic, left early and decided to use her 15 minutes of extra time to get gas. When the wife pulled up to the pump and got out of the car, she was nearly knocked over by wind. Seriously.

After pumping the gas the wife realize she had a text. From the husband. The husband who was on a plane that had not landed.

"This can't be good," she thought. The text informed the wife that due to high winds and a power outage the flight was being diverted to Ontario, a 45 minute drive (without traffic) from the wife's current location. Being a loving wife, she got a Coke to keep her awake and began to drive.

Until another text came in. "We're being sent to Palm Springs."

"*^#*$^#Y$" the wife thought.

She replied, "I can't drive all the way out there? I'm going home."

A little while later the husband called, safely from the ground. After much discussion it was decided that the wife would go home and wait for more news from the husband.

(We will skip the heroics it took to get two sleeping kids into the house and then back to sleep because OF COURSE they had to wake up.)

The wife's phone beeped, indicating a new text saying the husband's plane would be taking off from Palm Springs and attempting another landing.

The wife called the husband and it was decided the husband's parents would pick him up.

At 11pm, the husband walked in the house, returning from his journey that should have had him home by 9. He found a toddler asleep in his bed, another toddler in her crib refusing to sleep, and a wife who was grumpy from fatigue but oh so thankful that the husband was safely home.

argh!!!

2011-11-28T20:09:00.001-08:00

I had a craptastic day at work. Seriously, we can't bring our kids to events at a school!?!?! Who knew.

I had a bunch of pictures to upload but blogger on likes this one so I give you toddlers, in flight.

just a picture

2011-11-27T21:08:00.001-08:00

anger

2011-11-26T21:12:00.001-08:00

Anger is poison. A poison that needs to be released, so, here we go. Maybe my releasing will cause you anger but as my pal Laney would say, "Fuck it."

My dad had a mini stroke today. He's fine, no permanent damage but my lord, I'm sick of this. I'm angry for him. He's tired of being sick and tired. It's pissing me off that the guy can't get a break. Four months of feeling like shit is enough. I'm angry that my dad even has to go through this, hasn't he been though enough?

I'm angry for my mom. My mom will never say so but she's stressed and pushed and tested and pulled. She is strong, very strong but I'm angry that she has to put on her strong, brave face yet again. I miss her happy face.

I'm angry that I'm sore and stiff and that I may be facing a lifetime of this crap. It pisses me off.

I'm angry and tired of the constant worry, constant nagging at the back of my brain about Madison. No matter how great she's doing I can't let go of the worry and it makes me angry.

I'm angry that I know what I need to change and yet I can't bring myself to make the changes.

I'm angry.

I'm angry that life just piles up and piles up and that sometimes it's just so freakin hard. Why does it have to be this hard? Sometimes I wish there were a pause button so I could just stop and catch my breath. Sometimes it's just too much.

I'm angry.

4 little monkies jumping on the bed

2011-11-26T10:32:00.001-08:00

I'm waiting on cousin Debbie to send me Thanksgiving pictures because I, like a genius, forgot my camera. Let's just say it was a spectacular day and you'll just have to wait for the awesome pics!!!

Instead, enjoy this video of my girls and my nephews doing one of the things kids do best.

thinking about it a different way

2011-11-23T08:56:00.001-08:00

I love, love, LOVE Thanksgiving. Food, family, football, and wine. Oh and vanilla vodka and real coke. Really, that's all this girl needs in life to be happy. This year I'm thankful for so many things but this year I'm choosing to think about my students as I reflect on life.

I've got a tough group of kids this year, two pregnant 13 year olds, 7 students caught using drugs (crystal meth and huffing), a student who threatened to attack another student with a saw, intense poverty, and a host of other issues. It has been a hard, hard year and it's only November.

This year, I am thankful to be in their lives. They are a tough but sweet group of kids. They are so loving and so fragile and need so much more than they realize. I have come to realize that while they challenge me everyday, they are also challenged everyday.

I am thankful to have people in my life to remind me of the importance of good parenting. I am thankful for the reminder that my job is about so much more than teaching about history. I am thankful to have a ton of baby stuff to give to a girl who is going to have to fight like hell for the rest of her life to stay out of poverty. I am thankful that my students feel comfortable coming to me with their deep dark secrets. Their secrets may weigh on my heart but it is good to know that the kids have someone to talk to.

So, my, dear students who don't read this blog. Thank you. Thank you for making me a better teacher, a better person. I love you all and hope that we've already seen the worst the year has to offer and head straight up from here.

yeah, so, I, um, have a Rheumatologist

2011-11-21T14:37:00.001-08:00

Alright, I may possibly have been keeping a secret but not without good reason. I didn't really know what's going on and I didn't want to post without knowledge.

Here's the background....as you know I'm SSA/SSB positive and that is one indicator for Lupus. For the last couple of months, I've been getting achy in the evenings. My wrists and hands have been particularly bad. After ignoring it for a while and hoping it would go away, when it didn't I made an appointment with my primary doc. He gave me a physical exam and assured me that none of my symptoms sounded like Lupus, that it sounded more like Rheumatoid Arthritis. He ran a bunch of bloodwork (7 vials!) and sent me home.

Later that evening and through the weekend my tests results came in (how much do I love Kaiser's online system? THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS MUCH!!!) and a couple of them were slightly out of the norm. I tried to get my doc on the phone but when he didn't call me back, I called Judy. She agreed that I'd need a referral to a Rheumatologist and suggested someone.

My appointment was today and Judy was right about Dr. L, he's awesome. It was very nice to have an appointment last long enough to have a conversation with a doctor. I may have told Dr. L to shut up a couple of times. Emilio for sure ratted me out for wearing makeup because I didn't want to look sick. After a brief lecture on why I should give up high heels I told Dr. L that until it's a medical necessity those bad boys are staying on my feet. He laughed at me and told me I don't have to give them up.

Dr. L is headed to AZ in May and asked us for some ideas of places to go. I told him we'd make him a list IF he wrote me a prescription for a iPhone to save my thumb joints from the stress of texting. He didn't think that was as clever and Emilio and I did.

The bottom line is this: there's a point scale for the diagnosis of RA, you have to have a six for diagnosis and have visible swelling. I am at a three with no visible swelling. Dr. L ran some additional tests and took some x-rays. I'm going back in a month. I guess that means my diagnosis is no diagnosis and a wait and see approach. For now I'm sticking with Alieve when needed. I do have a daily pain/anti-inflammatory medication but I'm not going to start it until I have daily pain.

Your reward for reading all of that...

I am a ninja

2011-11-14T10:23:00.001-08:00

It's been a tad chilly at night (yes, East Coast pals, I mean it's been CA chilly) which means fleece pjs for the girls and, once Madison is asleep, it means she gets tucked in under a blanket.

Saturday night Emilio and I watched a stupid movie (yes, Emilio, it was dumb) and when I went upstairs after the movie I decided it was cold enough for an extra blanket. When I walked into her room I froze. It stunk. The unmistakable stench of poop.

I ran downstairs and asked Emilio what I should do. His answer? Change her. Thanks dude.

As I walked up the stairs I decided to change her by flashlight to keep her room dark. I walked into the room, grabbed everything I'd need to change her and prepped it before walking back in. I looked at Madison curled up against the far side of her crib and wished I were a little taller, it would have made lifting her much easier.

I picked Madison up and gently laid her on the changing pad. She rolled to her side. I rolled her back onto her back and unzipped her sleeper. I opened her diaper and picked up the flashlight so I could see the extent of the damage. I put the flashlight down, wiped, wiped, wiped, picked up the flashlight to see if I got it all and wiped again. I slid the new diaper under Madison's butt and she stirred a little and rubbed her eyes. I gently tucked her legs back into the sleeper and picked her up. As I laid her back in the crib and gently tucked her in, I did a little happy dance.

Only a ninja can change a poopie diaper without waking a baby.

CRAP

2011-11-10T12:17:00.001-08:00

I deleted two months worth of blogs by mistake.

SEND HELP!!!

in which I wish I were Cathoilc just so I could do the sign of the cross because Jews don't really do anything like that to show extreme happiness

2011-09-02T19:43:00.000-07:00

Clearly, this post may contain run on sentences.

Also, I could have title this post, "My dad had his GI and can I get a hell yeah for an ulcer?!?!?!"

My dad decided he needed to spend ONE more night in the hospital. No this wasn't a letmescareyouthiiiiiiismuch visit. He wasn't feeling well and the doctors decided to be cautious and admit him. This afternoon they ran an upper and lower GI and, well, it turns out my dad does indeed have an ulcer.

If you're thinking, "Wait. Hold the phone. An ulcer caused major drama?"

Yep.

Here's what I've learned: blood is a natural laxative so when a ulcer bleeds it can cause diarrhea. Ulcers can also bleed very badly, very, very quickly. The moral of the story is go to the doctor if you have tummy issues that don't get better.

Random GI information I've learned. Everyone knows that pooping blood is bad. Here's what you may not know. If you're pooping dark red blood it means you have a bleed high in your digestive track. If it's bright red, it's a lower bleed. Bright red is some scary shit. Run, do not walk, to your doctor if you see it.

I guess this means I'm back to blogging. I'm also back to work next week.

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

lots to write about, zero motivation

2011-08-19T09:50:00.001-07:00

tons to tell you about, Madison's 1 year appt, my boobs being rock stars, walks, work, a wedding where I learned wives should submit to the will of their husbands (pfffft!!)....the list goes on and on

but I?

I don't feel like writing.

pardon the bloggy break

the kids, getting down to Vanilla Ice

2011-08-13T22:02:00.000-07:00

I put two video clips together into one longer video. To enjoy the booty shaking, please enlarge the video (click the arrows in the bottom right corner mom).

You must watch them both.

You're welcome.

She's starting to feel better, can you tell?

In which I sound bitter but swear I'm not

2011-08-12T21:54:00.000-07:00

It's Friday night, I think. I sorta lose track of the days when I'm not working. Lyla has been sick for a while and almost every night we assume she's just going to crash. Most night she does. Not tonight. Tonight we put her to bed early and it's nearly 9pm and she may have just fallen asleep. Most nights she's asleep by 8, some nights by 7:45.

I'm sitting in a darkened living room and Emilio is in the shower. I've been thinking a lot about kids and sleep and kids and parents who are smug. Here's the thing, Lyla has never been what one might call a sleeper. Never. I remember calling the doctor when she was a week old and telling them there was something wrong because newborns are supposed to sleep all the time and ours didn't. I remember fighting to get her to sleep, working up a sweat trying to calm her down. There was a glorious month when she fell asleep on her own and slept twelve hours but she was four months old. What can I say, she peaked early.

Madison, by contrast was a born sleeper. She woke twice a night in the beginning and kept that up for a while. Sure, breast feeding got her off track but most nights she sleeps twelve hours or more and takes two naps a day, usually both over an hour.

If Madison were our only child, I'd be a little smug about sleep. I'd say that parents of kids like Lyla just need to try harder. I'd fail to understand, probably lack the ability to comprehend what a battle sleep can be. We've read lots of books, tried lots and lots of things and truthfully, I think I'm finally starting to accept that this kid is who she is and realize that while we can try to get her to sleep there's no point in making every day a battle.

I guess my point is, well, what is my point? It's that parents have a way of judging one another and assuming that if their child is easy to manage it's because the parents are great. Maybe that's the case, maybe those parents would have Lyla sleeping soundly and napping beautifully every day and night. Or maybe this is just another time in life when you shouldn't judge until you've walked in our shoes.

Accentuate the Positive

2011-08-11T20:46:00.000-07:00

It was a tough day in toddlerdom. Maybe made worse by the fact that Lyla's still got a cough and I'm feeling congested. Instead of focusing on that, here are some happy thoughts.

My dad is home!!! So, so proud of him!!!
My mom will no longer be running all over the place!!
Madison walked! She took 5ish steps yesterday. She has since refused to walk, prompting Emilio to think me an exaggerator, but she totally did.
Madison is a social butterfly and mimics almost everything she sees, including waving, blowing kisses, and sounds she hears.
My favorite Madison thing is when she pushes her forehead towards me, it means she wants a kiss.
Most of the time the girls play well together.
Lyla is a riot and says the funniest things.
I guess I should admit that Lyla can swear at you in Spanish. She knows them all.
Lyla has Emilio's sense of adventure...with my coordination. Poor kid.
Lyla, when she's tired, loves to hold hands, it makes her feel safe.
Lyla, when she's tired says, "I cannot sweep (sleep) righ now, righ now." Sometimes followed by "I cannot sweep anywhere, I so tired. " drama. mama. but so cute.

headed home and a pedi visit

2011-08-08T20:27:00.000-07:00

My dad is going home on Thursday! I'm so proud of him for working as hard as he has to get the eff out of the rehab place. It's nice, it's clean, but it's depressing. There are so many very ill people there for services.

As excited as I am, I'd be lying if I didn't say that I'm ~~a little~~ ~~a tad~~ ~~a bundle~~ just plain old fashioned nervous. This will be the first time he'll be out of a call button away from help if he needs it. Yes, yes, I know it's a good thing that he's going home and I know that these people get paid to decided when he's strong enough to go home; it's just...just...it's just that he's my daddy and I worry.

Lyla and I spent some time this morning at the pedi's office (her pedi wasn't there so we saw a stand in). She's had a cough for a few weeks and decided to bring out a big, bad fever today. The verdict: a virus. If you don't have kids let me translate, virus means: sure your kid is sick, maybe really sick but we can't really pinpoint the reason so we'll just call it a virus which also means there's nothing we can do so make sure they drink a lot, eating is optional, and if it gets worse or doesn't get better come back at which point we'll tell you they now have an ear infection and give you a prescription. Try not to worry unless they become moodier (Which, having a toddler made me laugh out loud. The sun shining through her window in a way she isn't used to makes her moodier.). You should also worry if they vomit, a lot. Except if they vomit after coughing because that doesn't count. Also, look out for anything out of the ordinary (again, have you met a toddler?)

Unless, of course, your child is lacking any or all teeth and then everything can be blamed on teething.

Lyla seems fine for the most part, just uninterested in food (except chocolate so I know she's ok) and less excited to drink water. Hopefully it just goes away and we don't have to head back.

answer

2011-08-05T20:18:00.000-07:00

There's a story to tell. One I'm calling "That pimped out princess ride failed my baby and now she'll never be the same. waaaaaaaaaa"

Emilio is calling it "Dude. She has a scraped up knee, she'll be fine."

Which ever title you choose I'll need a day to process how I feel about me being next to her when it happened and not seeing it.

More on that tomorrow.

A few days ago I asked what Lyla means when she says ah-fuck-a-sis.

The answer: hypothesis.

it was one of those days

2011-08-04T20:40:00.000-07:00

ugh, what a day. You know those days when you feel like the worst parent on the planet because your toddler won't: share, stop biting, hitting, kicking, pushing, shoving, stomping, on her sister. When you feel like all you say is no or stop or don't do that or don't touch that or stay in your seat and eat your freakin lunch PLEASE. When your infant decides that random fevers are fun and who needs to nap, really? When an afternoon errand run with a stop for ice cream backfires because your toddler turns into a crazy hyper yelling kid.

anyone? can anyone relate?

If you're going to have a crappy I suck as a parent day, it should end with a moment like this:

Yep, they're holding hands, riding down the street.

Wait, she's ONE?!?!!

2011-08-03T20:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Madison,

Today is your first birthday. It was just about this time that we arrived at Dr. C's office before being sent to the hospital last year. I was convinced I wasn't really in labor but my contractions were so close together I threatened to kick him in the head if I was sent home. A little less than five hours later you were in my arms. My sweet angel, my miracle.

You have taught me so much this year about being a fighter, a champ. I have learned that sometimes good news is just good news and I don't have to live my life waiting for the other shoe to drop. Before you were born I worried there wasn't going to be enough room in my heart for two kids. Now I understand that it is you that makes me complete. You were the piece missing from our family and we didn't even know it.

You are filled with laughter each and every day. Sneaky to the core, we call you stealth ninja because, well, you are one. If there's trouble to be found, you'll find it. The trouble is you find it so quietly you can get yourself into a real pickle if we aren't watching. You love your sister but aren't afraid to put her in her place.

Teething is causing a lot of drama right now but trust me when I say it'll be over soon. I guess that's a good lesson for life, pain always fades. It may not seem like it in the moment, but it does.

It is so hard to sum up what an impact you've made on our lives. It would be impossible to tell you how very much I love you. I hope that as you grow you feel that love as strongly as I feel it.

Happy birthday peanut.

~mama

Proof that I did try to get a good picture with the bear but the teething baby would have nothing to do with the bear.

OUT of the hospital on birthday eve

2011-08-02T19:35:00.000-07:00

My dad is out of the hospital! I'm so proud of him for having the will and determination to fight back. He's now at a rehab center to work on getting his strength back and should be home in a couple of weeks. I hear he's pretty pissed not to just be going home. A pissed off patient is fine with me, it means he'll be fighting to go home.

Tomorrow Madison will be one. I know every parent says it but time is an amazing thing. I cannot even believe that it's already been a year. Madison has brought a light to our lives that is impossible to describe. She is a constant reminder that good comes from bad situations. I will never, ever forget leaning on a hospital wall, sobbing so hard that a janitor asked us if we needed help. That was a day so hard I couldn't look anyone in the eyes. I couldn't speak. All I could hear was the doctors words that our sweet baby may not make it. Now, nearly a year after her birth, all I can hear is her giggle, that frequently turns into a chortle.

Life is good.

My dad has given my baby the best present EVER, a healthy grandpa.

I think one of the hardest parts of being a grownup is the lack of time to catch your breath. It hit me today how really, really tired I am from the past month. I can't imagine how exhausted my mom is. (I know she's reading this so I'm just going to say- GO TO BED WOMAN!) There's been a lot of driving and worrying and running here and there and being pulled in five million directions. It's hard not to feel like being a good daughter means being a bad mother. The reverse is also true. But don't feel bad for me, I've got a healthy baby and a papa on the mend. Also, I've got a brother who it turns out works and communicates fairly well with his sis. We were on the same page 90% of the time and able to talk through things that caused disagreement. I'm proud.

Life is good, indeed.

hey, Hey, HEY

2011-08-01T20:44:00.000-07:00

My dad is on his way out of the CCU!!!! He may even be out at this moment, it seems which ever unit he's moving to is in need of an open bed. Today was a big day for him, he stood up, took a couple of steps, and danced a jig. Ok, maaaaybe he didn't dance a jig but I sure did! I think my mom and brother did too. I do know that he's been eating and everything seems to be going fine digestion wise so he is on the way to being on the way home! This is, without a doubt, the best birthday present he could have given Madison.

Madison's birthday is Wednesday and I've been doing a lot of reflection on how well she's been doing and on what the miracle that is her heart means to me. I've also been thinking about my boobs which have made it to a year of breastfeeding. I'll save both posts for another day.

For now, more pictures!

cousin Scott

Madison insisted on chewing her shoe instead of wearing it and eventually it ended up in the cupcake.
I wish I could take credit for this fantastic pic but my best pal Jenny took it.

Who wants a cupcake when you can eat frosting out of a shoe?

The damage.

My little pacifist refused to hit anything.

Do you notice anything missing from the pictures? Like maybe me? I have not one picture of Madison and myself. boooo

party pics and a dad update

2011-07-31T21:23:00.000-07:00

My dad is doing very well. A little stronger everyday. We're hoping he's out of the hospital soon so that we can all start nagging him on a daily basis. Honestly, not much has changed from Friday except that he's finally eating real food. Thanks again for all of the good thoughts and prayers.

I'm not going to focus on how many no shows there were or how hot it was or how much I missed my parents. Madison will be a year old on Wednesday and it deserved to be celebrated. When I think about how far we've all come from that first ultrasound until now I want to dance. And sing. But I love you too much to sing so I'll just say I'm beyond thankful for my daughter and her health.

Madison was very stoic at the start of the party. She spent some time reflecting on how amazing her year has been and how quickly it passed.

True to form, Lyla managed to snag a cupcake early in the day.

Madison wasn't sure about Lyla eating all the sweets first.

But then she realized there was fun to be had and changed her mind.

There was basketball.

There was sitting on ice chests to take pictures.

Lots and lots of ice was eaten!

There was a little girl who ate her first cupcake and LOVED it!

More pics tomorrow!

up, up, up!

2011-07-29T20:19:00.000-07:00

Hopefully today is the beginning of good things for my dad. We thought that Monday was the day for good things but apparently, he's a Friday kind of guy.

He's off all transfusions and basically is down to an antibiotic and saline. His vitals look great, his in good spirits, and he even let me shave him today. He looks about 15 years younger and soooo much healthier. There's still a long road ahead (including finding out the root of all problems) but I'll take the greatness that was today.

Dad even managed to tease my brother, give my mom and hard time, and have a nurse tell him he didn't really need her anymore.

As awesome as today was for us, I saw a family in the unit who did not have a good day. I have no idea what the situation is but I saw the tears and my heart and prayers are with them. Bad days can be really bad in a CCU.

Today was awesome for my daddy, tomorrow we'll have a birthday party, and Sunday when I head back there I'm hoping for another awesome day.

Thank you again for all of the emails and kind words. My mom also wants me to thank any and everyone who has said a prayer for my dad. When you feel weak and afraid it's nice to know there are people out there sending you love and strength.

maybe

2011-07-28T20:35:00.000-07:00

Maybe there was a heart attack on Sunday.

Maybe there wasn't.

Maybe this is the real cause.

No, maybe it's this.

This test explains it all.

Maybe.

Modern medicine is an amazing thing. It is saving my dad.

Modern medicine is also the most frustrating thing on the planet. I am not good with unknowns. The answer "I don't know" makes my head hurt. As I sit and worry about my dad I'm also so incredibly frustrated by the lack of answers and solutions. It isn't the doctors fault. They really do need to let him heal a bit before they can, for lack of a better term, fix this.

Today was a good day. I mean as good as it can be when your dad is in CCU. Maybe I should be thankful that on a good day I have time enough to breathe and think about how frustrated I am.

I'm just impatient. And frustrated. And wishing we weren't having a party on Saturday but doing it because my dad wants me to. And feeling guilty about not feeling like celebrating my baby being a year old.

Remember when you were a little kid and thought life was soooooo complicated?

my dad is grounded

2011-07-27T23:40:00.000-07:00

Well. What can I say? Today has been what is often referred to as a roller coaster.

I've decided that after all of the craziness of today my dad is grounded and never permitted to get sick again.

In the early morning he was doing so well they were in the process of moving him units.

Then he decided to give us a little scare.

Now, he's back on the road to recovery. This includes cracking some small jokes and telling me to stop talking so loudly. Plus all that medical mumbo jumbo looks better.

Hopefully tomorrow will bring tests that bring answers.

Thank you for all of the supportive emails and texts, they mean a lot!

I'll drink to that!

2011-07-26T19:53:00.000-07:00

Daddy, when you're feeling up to reading, know that I'm having a glass of wine and toasting your first solid meals.

Today, my dad ate a little lunch and half of his dinner. This is excitingly fantastic news!! He's also off the blood pressure drip and they are beginning to wean him off the medication that controls his heart rate.

It's better than Hanukkah and Christmas rolled into one big, fat present filled day.

Here's a pic I took today on my phone. Lyla and Madison insisted on holding hands while running. Madison totally tried to leap out of Emilio's arms when he moved so she couldn't hold Lyla's hands.

in which I tell you the truth

2011-07-25T21:13:00.000-07:00

It's pretty hard to know where the line is in this whole blogging thing. It's a public place and people read it so sometimes censorship is required. I'm not going to censor today, I'm going to tell the truth.

First, let me say that if you read this and are tempted to call my mom, please don't. She's fine and wants my brother and I to handle the funneling of information.

My dad is in the hospital. In the CCU (Cardiac Care Unit) to be exact.

The story of how he arrived there yesterday doesn't matter. Here's what matters: he's my daddy and I'm worried about him. It's as natural as worrying about my girls. He is as much a part of me as my own kids.

Here's also what matters: my dad is strong. Stronger than most realize. As I told my mom yesterday he's just to damn stubborn to be considered anything but strong.

His blood pressure got really low and his blood pressure got really high.
He was slightly dehydrated.
He's had some blood transfused.
He's got some digestive stuff going on.
There are enzymes in his blood which reveal he's had a heart attack (I think it was a minor one.)

So, yeah, some of that seems and is a little scary. I can tell you this, he's stable and looking better by the minute. Yesterday he was pale and today his color looks normal. His blood pressure and heart rate have stabilized.

He and my mom are asking the right questions.

If it seems like I'm being vague it's because we're waiting a couple of days for some tests that should provide answers. Until then, we don't know much but symptoms. And I HATE playing the what if game.

I probably won't blog much about it until we have answers because my feelings are jumbly right now and what's most important is staying strong for my mama.

So there it is.

Per my dad's request, we're still going to have Madison's party this weekend.

I don't really know how to end this one so, um, goodnight.

Oh and PLEASE call me or Mike, not my mom.

NEWS, NEWS!!!

2011-07-21T19:55:00.000-07:00

BREAKING NEWS......Madison blood is now completely clear of my antibodies!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Also she doesn't have lead poisoning. Also she had a blood draw this week full of routine stuff (like the lead test) and extra stuff because of my antibodies potentially causing some serious drama beyond her heart block. It seems her system has decided that a congenital heart condition is enough because she's FANTASTICALLY normal!!!

Not so breaking news which I forgot to blog because I'm a second time mama and oh so forgetful...she said AGUA!! Yep, held her cup of water up to her mouth, said agua, and took a drink. Granted, it sounds more like "ahhhhhhhgaaaaa" but still, it counts! A word before a year is awesome!

Now, for the quiz part of this blog (Sarah, you cannot answer). What is Lyla saying when she pronounces "a-fuck-asis" (sounds like she's saying "oh, fuck this"). Also, why is it that every time she says it I am sent into a fit of laughter? Maybe because she places the emphasis on the middle part. Either way, Emilio is right that I should stop laughing because as soon as she yells it in public I won't laugh. But for now, it's the funniest thing EVER.

why oh why aren't there easy answers?

2011-07-18T19:23:00.000-07:00

This chub?

It comes as a direct result of this child eating every two hours at night.

The problem, of course, is that her eating requires me not sleeping. I was totally fine with not sleeping when she'd eat and then go back to sleep.

Somewhere along the way she decided it was ok to eat and then stay awake for two hours.

After some ~~nagging~~ gentle persuading, I agreed to night wean Madison. The original plan was to have Emilio take her every other waking as a gentle way of easing her out of the feedings. We were then hoping to sleep train her the following week.

Now, if you've read this blog for any length of time you'll remember the agony that was our attempts to sleep train Lyla. She'd cry like there were clowns in her room attempting to murder her with chainsaws.

(See, photographic evidence, she isn't even at DEFCON 1 in this pic)

or something like that

I believe the memory of those cries still ring in my ears so considering letting Madison cry took some ~~gentle pushing~~, ~~nagging~~, ~~arguing~~, it took a lot. My pal Sarah wanted us to try, Emilio wanted us to try, heck even Madison's cardiologist wanted us to try. Finally, after 11 months of almost no sleep, I relented.

Actually, after one night of trying to night wean and homechick refusing to go back to sleep I let her cry. And cry she did, for 50 minutes.

If you have met Madison then you know she is stubborn, relentless, and sure of what she wants. She, however, does it at about 150,302,328,302,435,353 lower decibels than Lyla. If she had been our first I may have caved but Madison's cry has nothing on Lyla.

Three nights later Madison was sleeping through the night. (please bloggy curse, skip this)

She's almost totally cry free at bedtime now. We've started nap training too and it's going as is to be expected.

I guess the point of all of this is that in nap training Madison I missed a fun day with Lyla. She and Emilio, his mom, and cousin who is here from Mexico are out having a wonderful, wonderful day and I missed it. She'll probably talk about today for weeks. I know, in my heart, I did the right thing. To take Madison would have caused some major nap setbacks and we really do need her to be for naps where she is for bedtime (partially because we need to work on Lyla's naps). I just wish that there were an easy way to do right by both kids.

4 years and just about 3 hours ago

2011-07-07T20:33:00.000-07:00

I walked down the aisle, taking deep breaths. In through the nose, out through the mouth. I think the guests may have thought I was going to pass out. In truth, I was attempting to not cry. I may have been shaking.

And then, he took my hand.

And it was all ok.

We laughed at the Rabbi who spoke entirely too much.

We laughed at Fr. Jose who doused me in Holy Water and then teased me when I worried about my makeup.

We ate SUPER yummy cake.

We spoke promises aloud that we held in our hearts for so long.

Happy Anniversary Emilio!

apparently the highway patrol is pro peeing in your pants

2011-07-06T20:55:00.000-07:00

First, let me ask, are Emilio and I the only one whose parent's would stop and let us pee on the side of the road as kids?

We went to the beach today for lunch (I know, a luxury of summer vacation). On the way home Lyla started to yell that she needed to pee. This happens so frequently that we each keep a potty seat in our trunk for emergency situations. We were on the freeway, in the carpool lane. Emilio exited the lane as quickly as possible and merged right as quickly as possible (if you've never been on the 105 East anytime after one you know how difficult a task this can be). We look for the widest part of the shoulder and pulled over. Emilio's cousin is here from Mexico and was with us so I was squished in the backseat between two car seats. Emilio got out of the car, got the potty, took Lyla out, she peed and he put her back in her seat.

Then there was a shadow behind Emilio. A shadow that I thought was someone trying to steal from us. It turned out to be a highway patrol officer. You will not believe what happened next.

HP: Is everything ok sir?
E: Oh yeah, my daughter just had to pee.
HP: You are aware that this space is reserved for actual emergencies like a car overheating, running out of gas, you having a heart attack. (Yep, if I'm having a heart attack I can totally see myself calmly pulling over to the shoulder.)
E: Sorry, our toddler was screaming and crying so we just pulled over so she could pee.
HP: What exactly do you intend to do with the pee? (What did he expect us to say, drink it?)
E: I was just going to dump in out right here.
HP: You realize that's the same as me peeing on the side of the road. (This is where I realize this man has spent waaaay too many Saturday nights alone.)
E: If you want, we have some tissue I can just use that to soak it up.
HP: That would be fine sir. You do realize that I can give you a ticket for this? Give me your license and get back in the car.
HP takes Emilio's license to look in the computer to see if he's wanted for reckless peeing in five states.
HP returns to the car, looks in the backseat twice, at the car seats and my seat belt.
HP: I understand your daughter needed to pee but this is a very dangerous place to stop. There are all kinds of aggressive drivers on the road and anything could have happened. There was an off ramp 1/10 of a mile back, you could have exited the freeway.
E: (who is so much better at this PC BS than me) You know you bring up a good point officer, I hadn't even thought about this not being safe.
me: We were in the carpool lane. (see, I told you I'm not good when I think a situation is stupid)
HP: There is also an exit right up there. You should have pulled off and into a parking lot. Now I'm not sure what you did to get your daughter to pee (we hit her over the head with a baseball bat while poking her with a cattle prod and yelled "URINE!", isn't that what all parents do?)

I tune out for a second to think about my tax dollars.

HP: I could give you a ticket for this. (Really? For what? Peeing on a potty on the side of the road?)

I tune out again and think about how easy a ticket like this would be to fight in court. Wait, which law did we break, exactly?

HP: Be careful getting back on the freeway.

We drive away and talk about the stupidity of the situation. Aren't there people out there driving like assholes who need to be attended to?

Five minutes later, "Pee pee, mama, papi, PEE PEE!"

5 years ago today

2011-07-04T18:59:00.000-07:00

5 years ago Emilio asked me to make some fried chicken to take on a picnic.

5 years ago it was muther frakin hot in Malibu.

5 years ago Emilio asked me to be his wife.

He later surprised me with an engagement BBQ with our families. My brother videotaped it and I have a DVD but he did something sneaky and now I can't get the movie off the DVD.

I can't believe it's been five years already. I have to say, I'm very proud that while we were engaged we not only planned a wedding but a marriage. We've gone off track every now and again (that whole plan to win the lottery has been a flop) but we always manage to stick together, even in the tough times.

This is us shortly before we got engaged. Please note how young and well rested we look.

Five years, two kids, and many sleepless nights later...I'd still say yes.

A million times, yes.

Happy 11 months Madison!!!

2011-07-03T20:48:00.000-07:00

How, my sweet little peanut are you 11 months already? In so many ways I can't wait until you can run and play with Lyla and in so many others I want you to stay this age forever.

This has been a big month for you, you've just gotten a new tooth, are a turbo crawler, you can finger walk, sorta high five and wave. You've decided self feeding is the bestest in the westest and I think you'd be happy if I just handed my dinner over.

This is going to be a short note because I'm exhausted (more on that one later) but I want you to know that I'm so thankful for you. I hope that someday you look back on your life and are also thankful for me.

I love you, my littefoot.

~mama

what works for us

2011-07-02T21:32:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow Madison will be 11 months. In a month she'll be a year. I know, I'm great at math. I've been thinking a lot about the stuff we've done to survive. Having two kids is tough, having two kids who are 16 months apart is REALLY tough. Let me take that back, having kids in general is tough. But, I think that we handled the transition a little better this time. Here's some of the stuff that's worked.

Emilio was right. Cooking three large meals on Sunday and then reheating them throughout the week has worked out beautifully! There's less chaos with the girls after I get home from work, less mess to clean up, there's just less. It's fantastic.
Work on gentle and remember all kids hit. Lyla has been working on gentle touch for a loooong time. My mother in law started with her when my nephew was born a few months before Madison. We've kept it up and she does great most of the time. We just have to remember to never leave them alone together because she forgets or gets too excited when they play together.
Bathe them separately. Bathing the girls together usually results in tears so here's what we do: I bathe Madsion while Lyla and Emilio go on a walk, usually right when Madison falls asleep they get back, we bathe Lyla, and then it's stories and bed. I've come to realize that Lyla needs one on one time at the end of the day.
Accept Lyla's help. Lyla was still very much a baby when Madison was born but she's always loved helping. I've tried to accept her help, no matter what, even if it means I get seven diapers instead of one or she throws clean diapers in the diaper pail or she yells "quiet mommy, Madson sweeping" just as Madison has fallen asleep for a nap. It often requires patience and deep breaths on my part but it's been great for her self esteem.
Let them set the course of their relationship. We encourage sharing (methinks it'll be a lifelong process) and being kind and considerate. We never force the girls to play together. It seems to have made their relationship more organic and enjoyable for them.
I don't breastfeed sitting on the floor. I read a lot of stuff about how it would be good for Lyla if I breastfed while sitting on the floor instead of high above her. Um, yeah, that lead to combat mission style feedings for Madison. Instead I always fed her in my glider, Lyla learned to adapt and would sit on my legs reading a book or asked me to read to her.

I have more but I must sleep.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Also, it helps that everyone in my house but me cleans :)

What to do when both girls are sobbing hysterically in the tub?

2011-06-25T19:39:00.000-07:00

Laugh.

Laugh as hard as you can.

The situation is too ridiculous not to chuckle.

the end of one adventure, the beginning of another

2011-06-21T10:58:00.000-07:00

It's the end of the school year which means that every morning feels like Friday. You know how Friday mornings it's really hard to get out of bed, how your head feels covered in all that haze and it's impossible to think about anything but not having to wake to an alarm on Saturday? Yeah. That's me every single morning this week.

The end of the school year is always bittersweet but this year is especially interesting for me. This is my last week of pumping. I'm done. I made it!!! Well, truthfully I'll have to pump two weeks this summer when Emilio and I work for some extra cash but I only have to pump once a day so that I can stay comfy.

The rest of this entry will be about breastfeeding and pumping so if you're my brother or any other relative who doesn't so much care, please feel free to click away.

When I was breastfeeding Lyla I struggled with pumping. It was a challenge to keep up with her demands. I hated when I had to wean her at 9.5 months because I was pregnant and my supply was drying up. I would be lying if I said I was upset to see my pumping days end. However, I did learn that the small freezer stash I had of milk that I thought would last a month lasted exactly a week.

I was determined to have a different experience with Madison. I started pumping when she was three weeks old. Every morning I would pump on the side I hadn't fed her from overnight. My freezer stash grew so large that we ended up getting a freezer for the garage, partially to hold all the milk. When I returned to work I was able to add to my stash and I'm pretty sure I ended up with 400 ounces of frozen milk. That's about 3 and 1/4 gallons of milk. I am pretty darn proud of the fact that since January I've only used about 40ish ounces of frozen milk. Basically this means that I'm fairly darn sure that I will be able to make it to a year of breastfeeding!!!! This is super, SUPER exciting to me! I was so close with Lyla and didn't quite make it but I'm 99.9% sure I'll make it with Madison! I'll also be able to give Madison a cup or bottle of frozen milk at bedtime for a while after she's one! Again, a super big deal to me.

It's funny though, I don't know that I feel ready to stop all of this stuff. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a fan of pumping but I don't loathe it like I did with Lyla. Maybe it's because Madison eats less per day, maybe it's because I knew I had so much milk in the freezer, maybe it's because I've been through the formula experience but I just don't feel feel the pressure that I did with Lyla. As a result, giving up pumping doesn't mean as much to me...except that I'll have more free time at work.

Thursday will be the last day that I'm tied to the pump and I'm not really sure how I feel about leaving this phase of my life. This also means that I only have about a month until I start transitioning Madison to whole milk. Where does the time go?

still sick, so here's a pic

2011-06-16T16:42:00.000-07:00

one, two, three sickies I see

2011-06-15T13:04:00.000-07:00

I have been immersed in the world of Dr. Seuss planning for Madison's birthday so my brain is set in rhyming time.

It would appear that Lyla has infected our house with a most horrible cold. She had a few sniffles on Monday morning and by the time I came home that had progressed into horrible congestion, a cough, and a 101 temp. Last night Madison was a bit congested and this morning she awoke with a pretty bad cough for a 10 month old. Last night I felt fine until bedtime at which point I realized I too have been hit.

So far, Emilio remains the last man standing.

I feel ok except for the congestion that's so impacted when I tried to use the neti pot the water just wouldn't go through, it was stuck in my nostril. You're welcome for the visual. Especially if you're eating.

I called to check on the girls and Emilio's mom says they seem ok but their appetites are down. She's got both girls on Tylenol (Lyla's fever came back last night, she was burning up in her sleep) and said she'd call things got worse. She's also starting to feel badly.

I supposed it's best that we're all sick at once instead of one right after the other. It's also much better to get sick while I'm at work then the first week of vacation.

Priorities, right?

toddler conversations

2011-06-13T12:46:00.000-07:00

Background: Lyla was carrying a handful of change that she kept dropping and Madison kept trying to eat.

Me: Lyla, would you like to put that money in your bank?
Lyla: No.
Me: Would you like to put the money in Madison's bank?
Lyla: Whoa, whoa, whoa, mommy.

pictures

2011-06-12T20:40:00.000-07:00

This is one of my new faves of Madison.

Sisters, loving being together.

Emilio, playing basketball after the girls went to bed.

video adventures

2011-06-09T07:21:00.000-07:00

We'll call this first video "Noooooooooooooooooooooo"

The second clearly demonstrates that toddlers are bipolar. Also, that I shouldn't sing on camera.

In case you don't know, Jack is Lyla's future husband. You can see him here. His mama, Sarah, sends me videos from time to time. Sometimes Lyla will hand me my cell phone and say, "I wan Jack," meaning she wants to see Jack. Seconds before I turned on the camera Lyla said, "Where Jack go?"

The third is called, "It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt"

For the record, she was just fine after a hug.

and when you're up you're up, and when you're down you're down, and when you're only halfway up you're neither up nor down

2011-06-08T15:11:00.000-07:00

I remember this time last year. I was scared, terrified really, of having two kids. I couldn't quite wrap my brain around how the whole thing would work. Technically Lyla was already a toddler but 16 months is still very much a baby. I really, honestly, truthfully had no idea how it would work. It ended up being fine, most of the time. It was crazy and insane and exhausting but I figured it out. I learned that Lyla liked to sit on my legs while I breastfed. I learned to always take care of Lyla's needs before Madison's because Madison's almost always took longer. I learned to love short little walks with my girls. I learned that sidewalk chalk is THE BEST way to keep a toddler from waking a sleeping infant. I learned how to parent two babies at once.

I'm at the place again where it seems soooooooooo hard. Madison is on the go which translates to needing a lot of supervision, lest she, ya know, try to eat a wire. I won't even get into her new found love of climbing the two steps from our living room to entry. Steps that cannot be gated off because they lead to Lyla's room and bathroom. The girls are starting to play together which means Lyla needs tons of reminders about good behavior and the occasional timeout. Maybe it's because I'm so sleep deprived but it's hard. It feels very hard and overwhelming.

This morning Emilio reminded me that next summer they'll be three and nearly two and that it'll be easier. I reminded him that it won't be easier, it'll just be a different kind of hard.

That's the thing about parenting. It's hard. Not always, there are so many times it's amazingly wonderful and easy. There are so many times when I sit back, watch the girls and smile.

I'm trying to remind myself that this too shall pass, that what seems hard now will one day seem easy.

Right?

Dear Madison,

2011-06-07T12:32:00.000-07:00

I'm so sorry that this letter is getting to you late. I've been lost in a sea of grading which is not meant to be used as an excuse as much as an explanation.

How is it even possible that you are 10 months old? It seems like a lifetime ago that I wrote your 9 month letter but I can't believe you are a little less than two months away from being a year old. You're crawling all over the place, yesterday you climb the two stairs in our living room. You love to mimic, you shake your head no when you don't want something and clap with joy. You have forgotten how awesome sleep is and have been known to laugh at me in the middle of the night when I try to put you in your crib.

Maybe it's because you're so small or maybe it's because you're the youngest but it doesn't seem possible that you are closing in on being a toddler.

There are things about being 10 months that are hard, like teething and dodging a crazy toddler but most days you take it in-stride. Most of the time you are so happy that Lyla is playing with you that you forgive her for running into you with her toy vacuum or swinging a stuffed animal into your head. You love, love her hugs. My favorite thing on this planet is when you two starting giggling and can't stop yourselves.

I hope that you are always full of laughter and joy. I hope that your tears will always been stopped as easily as they are now. I can't wish for you a tear free life. In all honesty, a life without tears is a life with out risk, adventure, and love. I wouldn't wish that upon you. I hope, with all my heart, that you have many, many tears of joy. I wish that when you do cry from disappointment that you take those tears and turn them into a challenge to become a better person. Life will let you down from time to time. People will prove themselves to be unworthy of your trust. Try, with all of who you are, to not let these truths become the emphasis of how you see the world. I hope that you focus on the other truth of life. The one that reminds me (and will hopefully remind you) that when it really matters the people who really matter will stick beside you. I hope that you choose to see the vast numbers of windows that open when doors close.

I hope that your papi gets it stuck in your head that you should always try to have more good days than bad. He'll probably say is so much that you'll get annoyed by it, but you should listen.

I know that we're going to have days when we can be better parents. Heck, we have them already. I hope that you know that doesn't mean that we're going to stop trying to become better.

That is my hope for you too.

love,
~mama

10 months!!

2011-06-03T17:17:00.000-07:00

Letter to follow.

canceling my pity party

2011-06-02T14:07:00.000-07:00

I was all set to write about how exhausted I am. Like totally am. Like beyond the stages of exhaustion that should be normal for a human being to function.

Then I had a conversation with a 12 year old that went something like this:

kid: You look tired.

me: I am, my baby was up every 45 minutes last night.

kid: I'm never having kids.

me: You know, for as tired as I am, I wouldn't trade my kids for the best night's sleep every night for the rest of my life. They are worth the sleepless nights and then some, that's how awesome they are.

The end.

holy moly!

2011-06-01T13:29:00.000-07:00

I just realized I've been out of college for 10 years.

I'm old.

That is all, carry on.

a big, BIG weekend, and an explanation

2011-05-31T09:12:00.000-07:00

Just so ya know, my pictures are on my home computer and I typically blog from work. That's why I've been so bad about posting pictures lately. I need to get better, I know.

Now on to the BIGNESS of this weekend:

Lyla has figured out how to peddle her tricycle my parents bought her for Hanukkah. She still prefers to tip toe on it but she can peddle, it is time to get a helmet.
Madison has given up the pacifier. Well, truth be told, we've decided it's time for her to give it up. Operation Bounce the Binky has made nap time, bed time, and any thing sleep related a horrible experience. It now takes her for.ev.er. to fall asleep and getting her in the crib is also a nightmare. Why now instead of later? A few reasons: a)she's almost ten months and I feel like the longer we wait the harder it's going to be b) she's been sleeping like crap for three weeks, I figured doing it now would mean that when she does go back to sleeping normally we wouldn't have to disrupt the routine by taking her paci.
Madison is now an expert pull to stand-er. I have some great pictures from yesterday (please see my first sentence for the reason why you don't see them today).
Madison is now officially eating three meals a day in addition to her bottles/breast feedings. My hope is to have her eat finger foods (bread, cheese, eggs, etc) for breakfast and then the other foods I've made for lunch and dinner. It would be great if I could get her 95% on finger foods by one.
Madison has also moved into high allergen foods (products with gluten, wheat, berries, etc). I'm crossing my fingers for another food allergy free babe.

Now I must figure out how to nap and teach at the same time.

sisters

2011-05-27T07:20:00.000-07:00

"I want you to walk out of this office and forget Madison has a heart condition."

2011-05-26T13:16:00.000-07:00

Seriously. The title says it all. We went in for Madison's nine month checkup (who cares that she'll be 10 months next week) and cardiology checkup. If you aren't interested in all the details then just read the title again and leave this blog knowing all that matters. Seriously.

Madison is 17.9 pounds and 26 and 1/2 inches long. That puts her in the 10th percentile for height and she's still in the 25th for weight. I honestly thought her weight would have been slightly higher because her cheeks are HUGE, she's got three butts (soooo not a joke), and the kid's thighs are so big we had to move her up a size in diapers to get those bad boys to close. I'm not complaining. At all. I love her thighs and extra butts and those cheeks...basically she's the cutest thing ever. Except for Lyla who is also the cutest thing ever.

Back to the story....

First up was Dr. S, the cardiologist. Madison was pretty upset during her EKG maybe because we had Nurse Oh My Lord is She Slow or maybe because she was hungry. Her heart rate is steady, yesterday it was 97. I told Emilio last night that it's crazy to think that 13 beats more per minute and she'd be normal. sigh.

Dr. S has confirmed that one of the holes in Madison's heart has closed. The one remaining one is called an Atrial Septal Defect which, upon reading the article sounds really scary but Dr. S, true to form, basically said "meh" when I asked him how concerned he is about the hole. He said that all kids have it and he expects it to close. He sort of scoffed when I mentioned that the other cardiologist said that it'll need to be fixed if it hasn't closed by the time she's two.

Everything about Madison's heart looks great, fantastic actually. She's been bumped to every four months instead of every three. Dr. S said he'd like to get her to the point where's she's only in once or twice a year but we're going to take our time getting there. To be honest, I like going in and checking on her rate. I asked how often she'll need echos and Dr. S was not clear but I'm guessing not that often.

Emilio mentioned to Dr. S that Madison has been waking frequently at night to eat. The doctor says there's no reason medically or nutritionally for me to feed her so I should let her cry (something Emilio has been pushing for). I reminded both of them that neither one has ever breastfed and that they need to leave the night weaning decision to me. This led to a hysterical conversation in which Dr. S talked about all of the things he did to try to stimulate milk production. This also led Dr. S to say that I should treat Madison just like every other child and not think about her heart. Needless to say, we were very happy.

On our way out of the office we saw a tiny baby, maybe four months old with a surgery scar on his chest (all cardio patients get EKGs so it's just easier to leave their tops off). Emilio and I both commented later that when we saw that little boy it was another reminder of how much of a miracle our little girl has been.

Next up was the pedi which was uneventful. She also told me that it would be ok to wean Madison off of night feedings but as a working mother understands how difficult the task. Emilio and I have talked about night weaning once summer vacation starts (19 working days!!!!) so that he can help out at night without becoming the zombie that I am. One zombie is workable, two is impossible.

I've been reminded, yet again, to give Madison Vitamin D so I was a good mommy and ordered her some today. I think we'll give it to Lyla too.

The only down side is that now the doctor's appointments are off so we go back to the pedi in August and the cardio in Sept.

I'm going to do it, I'm going to risk the blogging curse.

2011-05-24T12:52:00.000-07:00

It has taken a little over two years but Lyla's bedtime routine currently consists of:

bath
stories
getting in bed
pulling a giant stuffed dog my parents gave her over her head
telling me to go get the phone

That's it!! We no longer sitting on her floor until she falls asleep. If you are currently judging our parenting then clearly you have not been reading this blog very long. We tried every kind of sleep training there is, and none worked. Looking back we realize that she was ready to go to bed alone and had been trying to tell us. The final clue was when she'd scream with us sitting in her room for two hours.

The first night, Lyla cried. A lot. She got out of her bed a million times but it only took her 25 minutes to settle in, quite the change from the 2+ hours of crying the last time we tried. The second time it took her 10 minutes, in which she got out of bed 15 or so times. At one point my cell phone rang and she told me to get the phone, which is now what she tells me to do every night. The next couple of nights it took 5 or so minutes. Most nights now she goes to bed and doesn't cry or get out of bed, unless she needs to pee.

Next up, naps.

Unless the blogging curse takes hold and she's back to screaming for hours at bedtime.

all kinds of YAY!!!!

2011-05-23T11:41:00.000-07:00

Madison had her echo today and as you can tell by the title, it went well. If you remember, there was a chance that Madison would have to be sedated so I couldn't feed her for three hours preceding her test which was at 8:15am. She woke at 4:45am to eat and we she woke at 6:40 I put her in the car seat and we left for the doctor. Madison slept most of the way to the doctor and got a little fussy before we arrived at the office. I was able to calm her down until the exam started.

The tech was AWESOME!!! He was the same guy who did Madison's echo when she was first born. He told me we probably wouldn't have to sedate her and he was RIGHT! I had to hold her arms down and she got a little fussy so they let me feed her. She settled but did wrap her legs around the tech's arm and try to pull it off with her feet. We laughed pretty hard, clever peanut.

Towards the end of the exam Madison got really sleepy. I almost got her to sleep but a doctor came in woke her up. She cried a lot towards the end but I would too if my shoulders were on a rolled towel and my head were on the bed. I was pretty proud of myself though, I whispered in her ear and kept her calm until the test was over.

The tech could see that I was pretty nervous about the results so he asked a cardiologist to read the echo. Here are the results:

her heart size, shape, and function are NORMAL
Madison was born with two holes in her heart. One has closed. They'll check the other in about 8 months (I need to confirm this with Dr. S), if it isn't closed by then they'll be able to fix it without surgery.
Her rate looks about the same.

Basically, everything looks as great as it possibly could have!!! Of course I need to confirm all of this with Dr. S but I am soooooo happy!!!!

2011-05-22T20:03:00.000-07:00

Do you weep in the night
in hopes that we don't see

Has the fear crept up on you
as it clings to me

it's always there
in a place that's near the top

it may seem to fade
but it snaps back, grabbing, holding, hurting

where does normal hide

how do we forget

the pain, the numbness, the shock
wishing, praying, pleading to make it change

it will never go, it will never fade

like fear, it threatens to consume

the shadows move, they dace, they haunt me

you do not speak, yet it flows from you

Do you weep in the night
in the hopes that we don't see?

Has the fear crept up on you
as it clings to me?

Dear Papi,

2011-05-18T07:06:00.000-07:00

I know I am only 9 months old but I am typing this in a hurry (hence the blur). I want you to know I'm on to your tricks.

I have seen through your evil plans.

It was not nice to take advantage of mama on a day when clearly there was something wrong with her.

Lyla was in no mood to help mama.

We had a wall.

It was a nice wall.

Mama knew you wanted to redo it but that was supposed to happen after Lyla and I got some grass to play in. On?

But then you convinced mama by telling her it'd take four days and x amount of money. She should have know it'd take a lot longer and cost soooo much more.

If I could only speak as well as I can type I would have told mama to say "NO WAY!!"

But I can't, so now we have a new wall.

It's a pretty new wall.

But I'm totally on to you.

I just want you to know there will no "little" projects on/around/near the dates of my 16th birthday or wedding.

I'm hip to your game and I've got my eyes on you.

love,
Madison

BUSTED!

2011-05-17T07:22:00.000-07:00

Good thing she's cute.

to Texas and back, in a little more than 24 hrs

2011-05-16T09:14:00.000-07:00

Yep, you read that right, Emilio and I went to Texas and flew back within 24 hours.

If you and I are friends on Facebook then you know that there were some interesting moments with TSA. Rather than write every single detail of the trip I'll give you a summary:

It was REALLY hard to leave the girls, nice to have a break, but even nicer to come home to them. I'll never forget the smiles on both of their faces when we walked inside.
On the way out of LAX we had to be scanned by that thing that can see through you. I asked why we have to take off our shoes if the thing can see through clothes. Nobody could tell me.
My breastpump had to be chemically screened on the way out because of the mechanical parts.
One of us (me) misjudged how long it would take us to get from long term parking to the terminal, causing one of us (me) to have to run in order to make a bathroom trip and make the plane on time.
The wedding was really nice.
Emilio said waaaaay to many times, "Everything really is bigger in Texas."
I wanted to get real Texas cowboy boots. There was no time. I still want them.
Men really don't get what a big deal pumping is, Emilio suggested I dump the milk I'd pumped rather than deal with security (pfffffffffft!!!!).
On the way home, I expected a lot of drama on the way back with my milk (a little less than 30ozs). I think we were lucky to arrive at security when they weren't busy. Basically, I took the milk (inside of a cooler bag) out of the pump bag. They didn't even peak at the pump this time. I was taken for a bag inspection where the bag was opened and since I had packed the milk in 3oz or less bags they didn't even test it.

And now, a TSA rant,

I'm all in for security procedures designed to keep us safe. What I don't get, is why there are so many inconsistencies. I was told on the way out of LAX that my pump had to be chemically screened, that it was procedure. On the way out of Dallas, when my pump had all of the regular parts plus a battery pack full of eight batteries (so I could pump in the car) my bag wasn't even opened. Why is carrying a lot of liquid in small amounts acceptable? I could have easily combined all of the liquid and turned it into something. I'd done a little research and read that most airports will open the milk and test it. Mine wasn't even as much as sniffed to make sure it was milk (I know, I know, ewwww). The point isn't that I wish we'd been given a harder time at security. It was nice that we were able to fly through. The point is that it is the job of the TSA to keep us safe. Well, to keep us as safe as they can. Sure, I don 't look like the type of person who would cause mayhem but there really is no way to know. My point, I guess, is that they should either come up with consistent policy or let it go.

Now, can anyone explain to me why we're still removing our shoes if they can see all the way to my bones?

Anyone?

34, 34, 34, 34?

2011-05-13T13:14:00.000-07:00

34 years ago today, somewhere in Cedar's Sinai Medical Center a young woman was giving birth to her third baby.

This baby would grow to become a toddler who insisted on dressing himself, even it meant everything went on backwards. He also lined up his shoes in neat rows.

This toddler would grow to become a child who built a container to house his cars, polished his bike, and once made his grandma think she'd set the house on fire when he lit a smoke bomb.

This child would grow into a teenager who loved to play basketball, run, and build stuff.

This teenager grew into a man, still loving basketball, building stuff, playing practical jokes, and keeping things clean.

One day, this man said hi to me on the way out of work. Slowly, I realized this man was not just an ordinary man, he was the man I was meant to marry. To have children with. To grow old with.

This man, my husband, is 34 years old today. There aren't words to express how much I love him, what a wonderful father he is, or how thankful I am for everyday we share.

Even when he nags me about getting the door handles to the fridge dirty.

Happy Birthday Emilio!!!

bubbles, bubbles, bubbles!!!

2011-05-11T09:49:00.000-07:00

Nope, this isn't a post about Lyla's love of bubbles and her current quest to try to figure out how to blow them herself. It isn't even about my current quest to keep her from eating the soapy bubble solution when she tries to blow bubbles.

It's that time of year again!! What time, you may ask. (Should that sentence end in a question mark?) It's the time of year when students sit for many, many hours and work through standardized tests. For those of you not on the education side of the career track that means they are answering questions by filling in bubbles.

Think back to the SAT.

Now, erase that horrible day from your memory.

I'm not going to go on and on about testing because, well, I don't think this is the place. Call me if you really want to talk about it but don't count on me answering because my two girles keep me busy. (side note: Aunt Judy I'm planning on calling you during my afternoon pump session.)

We're in the midst of another round of DEEP budget cuts. Emilio and I were talking this morning about one of the worst of them:

our district has cut all librarians.

Let's think about this for a moment.

Schools will have closed libraries.

Pause.

Reflect.

Think.

What is a school that has no place for students to access BOOKS?

Sure, class sizes are growing and teachers are getting laid off and services are being cut and we are expected to do more with less. It's the same song and dance every year. For the last two years we've has the added bonus of furlough days. We will survive.

What about the kids?

I work with a student population that isn't crazy about reading. A great many of them struggle. What message are we sending them when we close libraries? Isn't the point of school to teach kids to love to learn? I do not expect my students to remember what they learned in 8th grade history; my hope is that they have learned how exciting it can be and are inspired to learn more.

To do more.

To have an impact.

To inspire someone else.

Sure, I can teach them without access to a library.

My real issue is what we are inadvertently teaching them.

Am I wrong? Am I alone in my thinking?

mamamamama

2011-05-09T11:53:00.005-07:00

Yep, Madison has started babbling "mama" and it happened on Mother's Day!!!

Mother"s Day 2011

2011-05-08T17:19:00.000-07:00

In keeping with tradition, here's a shot of me and the girls in bed.

For fun, here's the last two years:

the new normal. yet again.

2011-05-04T13:44:00.000-07:00

Most of this post will sound oddly familiar.

I would say a good 80% of the time I forget that Madison has a heart condition. You'd never know it by looking at her. She acts like any other baby. Sure, there are times when I worry that her breathing is off or I try to figure out if she's sweating because of her heart or because it's hot but most of the time, she's my baby not my baby with the heart condition.

It's been nearly three months since our last visit with Dr. S (the cardiologist) which means it's time for Madison to have her routine echo. I called a few days ago to make the appointment as well as her follow up with Dr. S and Dr. G (the pedi). When I made the appointments they informed me that Madison cannot eat for three hours priot to her visit because she'll have to be sedated.

Sedated.

My nine month old will have to be sedated.

To say that my heart sank would be an understatement. I almost cried. Madison has been through so much already and I just want it to stop. I know, I know, it's stupid. She hasn't had surgery and is doing great but I hate that we live with the new normal and not normal normal.

This morning I emailed Dr. S to ask him what happens when they sedate infants. He told me there's no IV or anything, that they use nasal drops if needed. He said that most babies don't need to be sedated but that I should withhold food just in case.

I am very, VERY happy that she won't need an IV and that the sedation techniques (if needed) are not invasive at all. I'm nervous about not feeding her. The appointment is at 8:15 so my plan is to get up at 5am, feed her and put her back to sleep. My hope is she'll sleep until 6:45 or so when I can change her diaper and plop her in the car seat. Normally she eats right when she wakes, has solids an hour later, then naps around 9ish. Cross your fingers the morning goes well.

I also asked Dr. S something that Emilio and I have been discussing for a while: do we have to disclose Madison's condition when she goes to school. His answer, "Yes, in case something happens."

It's another new normal moment.

I hate the "just in case". I hate, hate that this is forever.

No matter how normal life may get it isn't normal because Madison's heart is normal.

Some days I'm so tired of the new normal I could just scream.

Some days I want, more than anything, for my baby to have normal.

9 month pics

2011-05-03T20:50:00.000-07:00

To say I didn't get a good pic would be an understatement. I could have named this post "what a 9 month old would like like if she were high" but then you'd call CPS.

But what else could you call this?:

Here's a nice shot of the leg chub.

I like this one. I think she looks like an angel.

holy crap Madison is 9 months old!

2011-05-03T12:31:00.000-07:00

(pictures will be taken tonight and posted then or tomorrow)

Dear Madison,

Writing these letters every month reminds me of the cruelty of time. As exciting as it is to see you learn and try new things it's just a reminder of how quickly you're going to grow up.

This month has brought many, many changes. You're on the go, army crawling everywhere. Your abulea says you've crawled on all fours but you seem to be waiting to show your papi and me. One thing you aren't holding back on is clapping. You clap when you try something and are proud of yourself. You clap when you seem someone else clapping. Sometimes you clap when you laugh. You've just started finger foods and while your papi and I thought that it would take you a while to figure it out, you surprised us by picking up your food with your thumb and pointer finger, looking at it, and placing the food in your mouth. You have reminded us, yet again, that we should never make assumptions in regards to your capabilities.

This won't make sense to you yet and probably won't make sense to most people who read it but this month I can't stop thinking about the power of honesty. No matter where you are, no matter where life may take you I want you to remember that your word, your honesty define who you are and how people will view you. Right now, you are a lady of conviction. You fully commit to all that you do and let it be known when you are unhappy. Never, never lose this. It may make things a little harder for your papi and me in the short term it will make you infinitely happier in the long run. In life there will always be choices, hopefully your choices will lead you down the path of honest happiness.

I love you.

~mama

A phone conference

2011-05-01T12:36:00.000-07:00

"Yes, my I please speak with Madison?"

"Madison, I need that report we spoke of last week, STAT!"

"Wait, that's due this week? I thought you wanted in a month!"

"I don't want it this week, I want it NOW!"

"Madison I think you are failing to understand the seriousness of this matter. Madison? Madison?"

I gotz my camera, you gets pictures

2011-04-30T20:43:00.000-07:00

Some shots from Easter, 2011.

it counts even if I don't see it

2011-04-28T10:49:00.000-07:00

This would normally be the post where I whine and complain that Madison started crawling and I missed it. Yep, Madison is crawling. Well, I hear she's crawling, I haven't actually seen it yet. I've seen lots of military crawling but none of the up on four adorableness. I'm sad that I haven't seen it, sad that she chose to crawl on Monday afternoon for Emilio's mom and hasn't done it since.

I used to believe that new skills don't actually count until I see them. But the thing is, they do count. Being proud of my kids for their accomplishments doesn't always mean being next to them when events happen. It means learning to cheer them on, even when it means hearing about them later.

So, yep, this could have been another post about how much working and being away from my babies sucks (especially on a night I won't get home until 7). Instead, I'm trying to focus on how great it is that Madison is crawling and on how special it will be for me when I get to see her new skill.

Dear Lyla,

2011-04-27T09:17:00.000-07:00

This morning, right as I was getting ready to leave for work you woke up and stated yelling, "Mama, Mamaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" I walked in to our room (because you have decided that your bed only works until 3am at which point I hear the pounding of feet and "running, running, running" or "corre, corre, corre" followed by "up mama") you looked at me, pointed to my pillow and said, "Dis one fur you mama." I couldn't resist. I hopped into bed next to you, you snuggled up close to me, and went back to sleep. I laid there longer than I needed to and watched you sleep.

I know it seems like papi and I are always rushing, always running here or there. Spring break was a fantastic time, if there's one thing you love it's when the four of us are together. It was really difficult for you to understand why we had to go back to work on Monday ("no woke mama. mama, papi, Ya-yai y Madson a casa"). While it may seem like we are always leaving you I want you to know that just as I chose to stay with you this morning, your papi and I will always choose you. No matter what is going on, no matter how crazy it may seem that our lives have become you will always be the one we choose. There is nothing so important that it can't wait. That isn't to say there won't be times you will have to wait for what you want, it means that when it matters, you come first.

I love you.

~mama

good news/bad news

2011-04-24T15:12:00.000-07:00

I have TONS of adorable pictures from our spring break and the Easter adventure.

They are all trapped on my camera which is currently sitting on my sister in law's dining room table.

WHOOPS!!

sharing

2011-04-21T21:11:00.000-07:00

No, Lyla isn't about to whack Madison (although that did happen later) she is joyfully sharing a book. W

da da da da da da

2011-04-17T16:41:00.000-07:00

raising a difficult, no, stubborn, no, spirted child

2011-04-15T10:51:00.000-07:00

Two Fridays ago we took Lyla to see the pedi, Dr. G for her 2 year well child visit (remember when they were well baby visits?). We learned she's the picture of health, 66th percentile for height and 43rd for weight. If you know my monkey then you know she doesn't transition to new settings or new people well, especially when someone decides to try to touch her. We spent a good month preparing, reading books about visiting the doctor, talking about the doctor, Lyla and I even had a countdown to the big event.

Lyla ~~screamed bloody murder~~ ~~scared other children~~ cried the entire time. We did not handle it as well as we normally do and left Dr. G's with some recommendations on books about spirited kids. It seems spirited is the new way of saying difficult. Emilio and I agree that Lyla isn't an overall difficult kid, she's difficult in certain situations.

I've decided to read one of the books, because as much as I curse parenting books, I'm a sucker.

Three pages in I almost broke down in tears. Lyla is such a wonderful child, she is loving, caring, and so much more. ~~But~~ And her early life was a struggle for me, we both cried. A lot. I'm struggling to get her to stop hitting and I would love, LOVE to help her transition a little better. I haven't read a lot of it yet but what I have read really speaks to me for a couple of reasons. Mainly, it's helping me to look at my sweet baby in a new light. It's hard to write this and get it out the correct way. I both love and like Lyla, I do not enjoy some of her behaviors and I love that I'm already seeing the potential in harnessing her strengths and helping her to grow them.

I've already realized that there are some things I do that help her, when she's REALLY screaming for seemingly no reason I ask her, "Are you feeling frustrated? or angry? or scared?" She usually says yes to one of the emotions and stops crying, then I help her to say, "I feel x." It helps me to remember that she doesn't know how to express what she feels so I have to help her develop the vocabulary. I told Emilio that I'm going to work on modeling it for her (saying things like, "I feel sad because you hit me."). The truth is that timeouts don't really work with my little monkey and I am looking forward to finding other avenues. (Here's a funny aside, when she does something that she knows is wrong she says "Yai-ya timeout" goes to sit on her timeout step for 5 seconds, stands up walks over to whomever she's hit/thrown something at and says "Soweeee" followed by a kiss.)

It isn't just about discipline, it's about thinking about my ~~baby~~ toddler in a new light. I'm trying to turn some of the words I've used to describe her around into positive terms. She isn't stubborn, she's persistent. She isn't bossy she's a leader.

Lyla is the sum of the best parts of me and the best parts of Emilio. It is our strengths that have gotten us both where we are and these very strengths that we see in our daughter. It is also these strengths that can make a child tough to parent.

Let us pause for my parents to think about my oh-so-tough teenage years.

I'm starting to ramble, I know, maybe it's because I've written this over a series of days when I've had time.

The point is that yes, Lyla can be a handful at times but it is our responsibility as parents to learn how to not feel frustrated all of the time. Sometimes I hear her saying, "Enough!" to Madison when Madison gets fussy. It makes me feel sad that she learned that one from me. I don't want to be that parent, I want to be better.

I've been a mom long enough to know that none of the books have all of the answers. I'm no longer looking for something to make me into the perfect parent. It's nice, though to have tools that help me feel like I'm not grasping at straws.

It's also nice to know that when she is ~~difficult~~ spirited it has nothing to do with my flaws as a parents. It's just a part of who she is and her spirit is one of the many things I love about Lyla.

to save for college or not to save for college, that is the question

2011-04-14T14:35:00.000-07:00

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're the worst parents ever for even having this debate. Maybe you'll change your mind if you hear what I've got to say.

Oh, and if you've given Lyla or Madison money for college, have no fear it's been set aside.

Here's the deal: college is EXPENSIVE. I know, you're shocked to hear what I say. Both Emilio and I went to college because we received substantial financial aid packages. (Thank you to anyone who paid taxes between 1997 and 2001.)

On paper, Emilio and I make decent money. The problem is that we fall in what will probably be the gray area of financial aid for the girls. More than likely we won't qualify for much until Madison starts college.

(Please note the lack of "if"s in the statements about the girls attending school.)

Here's where the dilemma comes in to play: we will never, never, ever be able to save enough to pay for college for either child, let alone both. We may be able to save enough to cover a semester but that's about it. Anything we do save will count against the financial aid packages the girls receive. Do we save, knowing that any colleges will expect us to use all that money up in the first year or do we not save and hope for the best?

Both sides have their costs and benefits. Even if we saved $5,000 per year, per child we're looking at $90,000 a for each girl. Please google the average cost of college. Go ahead, I'll wait.

Then google the rate at which college tuition is rising in this country. Go ahead, I'll wait.

Now multiply the rate of tuition increases by the number of years until the girls enter college (16) and then by the current tuition level. Or something like that.

What you should see is that the cost of college is going to be ridiculous that I'm not sure it makes sense to save.

Convince me otherwise.

I'll admit it, I've been lazy.

2011-04-13T13:10:00.000-07:00

I enjoy writing, I always have. But, lately, lately I've been a lazy blogger. I start posts and leave them half completed and unpublished. I think of things to write about and never make myself sit down to write. I log in, stare at a blinking cursor and log out.

I'll just be a lame-o and admit that the recent lack of comments is part of the reason I haven't written very often. Sometimes it's hard to write when you feel like no one is reading.

I'm not just developing poor blogging habits. If I took a picture of my desk you would see an ever growing stack of papers that need to be grade. A million grades that need inputting into the computer program, a lesson plan book in need of some love, and some stuff that I should file.

Maybe I'm tired. Maybe it's because spring break is around the corner.

Maybe.

Or maybe I need to make myself dust off the lazies and start writing everyday.

Maybe.

Dear Madison,

2011-04-04T13:59:00.000-07:00

When I was pregnant with you all you did was move. I remember, very vividly, you kicking me on both sides of my belly while you were punching me in the cervix. That was a fun day.

When you were first born you slept so much that I convinced myself that all of your crazy in-utero movements were not a prediction of what you'd be like once you were born. Then you turned 7 months. In the time between your 7th and 8th months of life you have turned into a crazy wiggly worm. You are all over the place, all of the time. You aren't crawling yet (your papi are starting to think you're going to go straight to walking) but you've mastered the art of rolling where you want to go. You're favorite thing to do is jump in the jumperoo followed very closely by banging things together and splashing in the tub. Everything you do you do with a smile and with great enthusiasm.

You're starting to show some signs of jealousy when Lyla gets kisses and you don't. Despite your jealousy and her love bites and smacks she is still your favorite person. You look for her and love to play with her, whining when you can't be near her.

As you get closer to a year I find myself wondering if you'll be like Lyla when you are two or if your heart will limit you. Then I remember that I don't want you to live a life thinking about any possible limitations. I want you to dream big and know that you can make anything happen. Your heart does not limit you, it is just a part of who you are. I want you to know that I believe in you and in the possibilities of all that you can do. There will be so many people in your life who try to get you to conform to their expectations of who and what you'll be. I hope you continue to defy all expectations that people lay at your feet.

I love you.

~mama

8 month pic

2011-04-03T16:28:00.000-07:00

There's no time to type my letter, that will have to wait, but here's Madison at 8 months:

Who would be selfish enough to take the day off work and send the kids away?

2011-03-31T12:44:00.000-07:00

Me, that's who.

I'm currently sitting in an empty house. Emilio is at work and the girls are with his mom.

I needed today. I needed the quiet, the laziness, the ability to do nothing.

This child, formerly known as the sleeper, has decided that it's cool to sleep like a newborn and wake every 2 hours. EVERY 2 HOURS people. I am beyond exhausted. It's so bad that my students have even commented on how short tempered I am.

This child is a toddler. She is awfully cute and 95% sweet but she DEMANDS patience. Also, she's still hitting. Clearly, a sleep deprived mama is not helping the situation.

I have no picture of her but my principal got all over my case for something stupid (for the record, I am in the right, swearsies) and it's made me feel a little less than enthusiastic about teaching.

We have a random day off tomorrow and I decided to make it a four day weekend. So far I've:

slept until 9:30, made breakfast, eaten it while it was hot, and had an entire cup of coffee
watched a movie
read a little
written this blog

At some point I'll shower and go and get the girls. Maybe it makes me selfish but I'm already planning to do this again at the end of April.

Here's the funny thing: the house almost feels too quiet. As much as I needed today I miss my babies.

walking with papi

2011-03-27T11:13:00.000-07:00

random pics

2011-03-26T08:54:00.000-07:00

being a mom and body image

2011-03-25T14:10:00.000-07:00

It took me 23 years to get comfortable in my own skin.

At age 29 I became a mom.

At age 30 I became a mom again.

I gained about 40 pounds each time.

I have two girls.

Anyone who has ever been a teenager can tell you it's tough. Anyone who has ever been a teenage girl can tell you it's awful sometimes.Girls are a particular kind of mean and we tend to subscribe to the "eat the weaker" theory of evolution. I work in a middle school, trust me.

I want my girls to grow up loving who they are and embracing what they look like, whether they have my curves or Emilio's chicken legs. I want to teach them that a healthy body is what is important, not a number on a scale. I do want them to know there's a connection between the two but that it's how you feel that should rule your life, not some magical number.

But, here's the thing.

I don't always feel that way myself. Sometimes, I find myself wishing I were skinner. I sometimes daydream about fitting into my smaller work pants. Yes, dear brain, I know that less cookies and more walking is the key to achieving this but I'm tired and walking takes energy.

And cookies are yummy.

I would like to set a goal for myself to love myself a little more. That means celebrating me, muffin top and all. That means not talking about how fat I feel and remembering that a little extra around the middle is a small price to pay for my two babies. It means accepting the dark circles and laughing away the wrinkles. It means embracing the current me and maybe, finally, taking those steps to become the me I want to be.

It means never, ever criticizing my own body in front of my girls. It means not passing judgment on anyone for how they look. It means being a living example of who I want them to be, who I want myself to become.

Women, if it is possible, are worse than teenagers because we should know better.

and yet we don't

I am 31.

I have 2 babies.

I am not perfect nor am I perfect looking.

I'm working on becoming ok with that, for my babies.

overwhelmed

2011-03-24T12:33:00.000-07:00

1, 2 year old
1, 7 month old
1, husband
3 meals a week to cook
1, photo in need of editing
40, thank you cards to send
2, grocery lists per week
countless loads of laundry
2-3 wakings per night with Madison
1, toddler recovering from a cold
130, students

3 parent conferences a week

1, principal on my back
130, assessments to score
2, pumps per day at work
1, head of hair that needs to be cut
too many emails to return
too many phone calls to make

it's our life, yo

2011-03-23T20:39:00.000-07:00

A good mommy always straps her toddler in to watch cartoons while getting dinner ready.

I love this picture!!!

What early literacy means to Madison.

This is Lyla the evening of her birthday party. She fell asleep while Emilio read. Normally this kid FIGHTS sleep. The best part was that Emilio finished her last story while she slept.

Check out the chub!

This is what happens when I use the wrong camera setting.

Dear Lyla,

2011-03-21T12:18:00.000-07:00

You are officially two, although there's a part of me who thinks your evening personality is channeling the spirit of a lunatic teenager. I was prepared for the changes from birth to your first year, I was not prepared for the crazy amount of changes from one to two. This last year has been all about your growing personality and MAN is it growing!

You are independent "Yai-ya try?", giving "share mama", loving "BABY MADSON!!!! KISSES!!!", stubborn "dis Yai-ya's", caring, and so much more. You love, love to help around the house and are already a mother hen to Madison.

I know two is tough. There's so much you want to say and do and so many limitations. Sometimes, you can't find the words you want in either English or Spanish and you get very upset trying to communicate with us. (As an aside it is so awesome that you know to speak to Papi in Spanish and Mama in English when you can.) Your Papi and I are trying to remember that two is tough and figure out ways to help you through those tough moments. To be honest, we're failing at making bath time better but we won't give up hope. There are days that we loose our patience but we are trying to get better. That my sweets, is what we hope for you, that you will always try to get better, no matter what you are doing.

You are quite the character. You love basketball and football, makeup, cars, carrying your new purse, cooking, and dancing. My favorite days are those when we turn on the radio after dinner and dance.

I hope that no matter what life throws at you, you hang on to that infectious giggle, that you always have the strength of character and spirit you have now. I also hope that time slows down a bit, you are growing up far too fast for me.

I love you.

~mama

2? Tomorrow?

2011-03-19T18:59:00.000-07:00

How did this little newborn

become this child

so quickly?